until that GREAT DAY—
when COURAGEOUS comes out.
Oh, yeah. And my baby boy turns 15.
But mostly because I’ve been following this movie from start to NOW, and I simply could not wait one more second than I absolutely have to.
GO, buy tickets for opening weekend and GO–be changed.
All the while I’ve thought about my “someday-hair-do”, I’ve wondered. Is my hair-style dream just vanity? Shouldn’t I be more worried and concerned with other things besides my hair?
You know, things like:
money
my kids
my husband
summer plans
housing situation
car issues
salvation (family members)
world peace
wells in africa
adoption
Oh, I could go on.
But I soon realized that none of that, not one single itemized worry, could do anything for my identity. Who I am.
But I just knew this hair-style would.
Or did I?
I’ve been putting it off for some time now (Close to 10 years), because I didn’t know or think that other people would like it, or that it would match with who I was pretending to be.
But, God.
I knew that God had placed a special kind of reaching in my heart to those who sometimes sport this particular hair-style. They are usually considered to be the unreachable of society–not because they ARE unreachable, but because our society in particular treats those with less, those who don’t have, those who choose to be different, to say “screw the system”, those who choose to live with less, those who may have mental issues and have made poor life choices, well, we (as a society) treat them as less than. Less than human. Less than people. Less than us. Less than image-bearers of God. I’ve had it on my mind and heart over the past 10 years to be able to reach out and help the homeless, the orphaned, the degenerate, down-and-out members of society, the “freaks” whom the “Christians” won’t have anything to do with.
It’s always kind of bugged me, no, actually, agitates me to my core, that Jesus talked and walked and loved and taught anyone who came into His path. In fact, He often sought out the members of His society who were the untouchables, the unreachables, the not-wanted’s. He had dinner with them, He let them minister to Him, and He loved them. So why, as followers of Jesus, have we taken on a somewhat superior attitude of being better than all the rest because of where we happen to go to church on Sunday morning?
One of the reasons I’ve put off so long what I did to my hair was vanity, pride, and just general I-really-do-care-what-people-think.
But in learning what I am, who I am, what God has called me to be (lots more on this later), I’m learning that no one’s opinion of me, my choices, or my hair counts. No one but THE ONE.
My identity in Christ is so set, so firm in my heart and mind now, you couldn’t pry it away with chocolate.
I know who I am, and I know what He thinks of me.
All because I renounced the lies of the enemy of my soul, and sought God with all my heart. He promises that those who seek Him will find Him.
So with that, I give you a first glimpse of my I-love-it-and-I-don’t-particularly-care-if-you-don’t hair-do. it’s still in its baby stages. Infancy, if you will.
But the fruit that has come from this one simple change in my heart and life has shown me God’s faithfulness. Over and over again. And His immense caring for those of us who are struggling. (There are a lot of us, by the way.)
He does care. He wants to know you. He really does. Seek Him.
(I’ve decided it’s NOT vanity. It’s quite the opposite. It’s laying aside vanity for Beauty.)
(these pics–the first one, taken yesterday while babysitting. don’t mind the laundry on the other couch. there were more important things. the second? Don’t mind the laundry hanging from the treadmill. Apparently, I have laundry issues.)
I lost my ID.
Not my driver’s license, not my Costco card, or my gym membership.
My IDENTITY.
I’m not sure when it happened.
Somewhere between my first day of college (20 years ago) and March 19, 2011…it occurred to me that I didn’t have it. That’s a pretty long time to go without realizing you lost something. But yet, it happens more than we’d like to admit. We graduate from high school, full of ideas, dreams and visions. We pursue our “after high school” plans….and at some point, we get married (or not), have babies (or not), gain weight (or not) (and for you who are in THAT “or not” group, it’s taking a lot of fruit to love you right now), we sag in the wrong places, we wrinkle in the wrong places, we grow distant from loved ones, we fight with our spouses (or not), we go places we didn’t think we’d go (good or bad)….you get the idea. Somewhere in there, YOU got lost. Who you are. What you are made of. What makes you YOU.
Most of the time, we don’t even know it happened. It’s like being robbed in the night, and waking up in the morning, expecting that the tv and the dvd player and your cash will all be there, only they aren’t. It’s that kind of shock.
So when I went looking for some answers on how to get un-tangled from the web of destruction and deceit and anger and frustration, Mr. Therapist somehow saw around my questions and asked me who I was.
“Well,” I said, somewhat annoyed that he wasn’t all about answering my questions, “I’m a mom. I’m a wife. I’m an accountant. I’m an artist. I’m a knitter. I’m disorganized, in a really organized fashion. I’m I’m I’m I’m….”
Mr. Therapist just shakes his head No.
No. That’s not really WHO I AM. Who I am is not what I do and what I’ve accomplished and who my covenant relationships are with and what my house looks like, inside or out.
Who I am depends on what my foundation is, in Whom I place my life and trust, and with Whom I plan on residing with forever. That’s who I am.
So my assignment for the week (Because we all know that good therapy includes HOMEWORK, right?!?) was to identify myself. What makes me ME? What is that based on?
I had the idea that this wasn’t just a random assignment. That God Himself was leading this man to direct me down this path. Because it’s not just ME that’s lost her identity.
I bet you’ve nodded your head a couple of times since you started reading this page….I bet you know exactly what I’m talking about.
I had no idea where this would lead, but I felt the Spirit of God leading me. To find my identity in Him, rather than in some kind of nothing-ness that leads nowhere and has no real results.
So, by way of virtual therapy, your assignment is to identify yourself.
Welcome to therapy. I promise, this’ll be fun worth it.
PS. I know. I said something crazy about a hair picture. We’re not to that part of the story yet. it’s coming, soon.
Turns out, the best things in life aren’t things….it’s living. And breathing.
(ok, so I ripped that off from a Michael Franti Song…but it’s true….)
Life dropped out from under me almost 3 months ago. There were situations in my lap that hadn’t even EVER entered my radar, let alone that I thought they were even possible in my lifetime.
These aren’t good things, by the way. They are life-altering, dream shattering changes.
Turns out, living and breathing are the best things in cases like these. Because those are life-giving.
Life
Breath.
Turns out, Jesus has called Himself both of those things, and I’m here to testify that it’s all true. Every syllable of it.
He is Life.
He is Breath.
He’s also water and light and heart and soul and joy and warmth.
He is therapy.
He is healing.
He is LIGHT.
My life was very very dark 3 months ago….longer than that, really. it’s Just that 3 months ago—I was finally woken up to the reality of how dark, exactly.
Very very dark.
Turns out, He has pulled me out of a miry, muddy, nasty, filthy, dirty pit and set my feet on SOLID ground—He is the only foundation I’ll ever want under my feet.
He has set me free–and I’m free indeed.
He has brought light and joy and life and healing and peace to my maddening, confusing, dark, sad and lonely existence.
Thank you, Jesus.
Turns out, through it all, I’ve had Him with me. Through His Word, through friends, through therapists, through music, through prayer, and through freedom—most of which I didn’t see until He came. He is light.
10 years ago, I saw a hairstyle that I loved. LOVED. L.O.V.E.D .
I’ve been waiting ten years for the right time to do it, to take the plunge, to be brave enough. I’ve gone through 10, 000 colors and cuts since then, but none of them the one I truly wanted. (My excuses? Never ending….need to be skinnier, healthier, smarter, richer, better….)
I’ve finally done it. I’d like to take you on the path where I found freedom….And it all started with a therapist, a hairstyle, and a dream in captivity…..
(continued tomorrow.)
FINISHED!
On day 86, I read the last beautiful words of The Word—and shouted a big ol’ Hallelujah! right in my living room!
It wasn’t 7 am yet, and both my kids, curious as ever to see what mom was up to again…..good thing it was a school day, or they’d not have been awake yet. Imagine THAT ring tone for your alarm clock……
This time through, my 14 year old son read along with me, and I was overcome several times with JOY and GRATITUDE as I watched God plant many, many seeds of faith in his heart—-he really enjoyed his journey, and finished later that day—with a much more subdued “Hey, mom! I finished.” (As only a 14 year old boy can do.)
The past 3 months have been filled with some of the lowest moments of my adult life, and I can honestly say, without the UNSHAKEABLE foundation of God’s Word under my feet, I would’ve fallen.
(And, to top it off, the craziest part? I read the ENTIRE Bible (in Chronological Order) ON MY PHONE—with a great app from YOUVERSION.COM…..it’s got a lot of reading plans and translations…..amazingly, it’s FREE!)
FYI–for those of you who have read it before, once or several times, the Chronological order is fascinating, and puts a lot of the puzzling pieces of the Bible together—things make more “sense” historically. Just a side note….
if you are thinking about joining up for the next round, AMY at momstoolbox.com will be hosting another round starting July 2, 2011. Head over there to check out the details.
Happy reading…..
It’s day 33 of the Bible in 90 days program.
I’m right on track–finished 2 Samuel 15 this morning…..
LOVING every Word of it.
LOVING the group I’m mentoring over at Mom’s Toolbox. Group 13 JUST ROCKS. We have some pretty great discussions on email —and I’m learning a lot of “non-Biblical” stuff about being a Jesus-follower.
But somehow I’m just not making it HERE everyday to post.
I (mostly) have time.
I have (lots of) stuff to say.
It’s just not happening.
I’m thinking if I tell myself a wrap up post, you know, similar to the last time I crawled on here….that might be easier to manage.
So :
Dear Self, you just need to jump on here every 10 days or so and catch yourself up. If you do it today, you’ll be 2 days ahead of your LAST catchup.
Love, Me.
Catch up–coming your way…..by midnight.
That’s how many days I went without a computer (in the shop….) all the while lamenting how I needed to catch up my blog.
(when in reality, as of right this second, I’ve had my computer back for 3 days. ….)
That’s how many days I used a pen and paper to record my thoughts instead of the keyboard.
That’s how many days it took me to lose my ability to type, on an actual keyboard, instead of with my thumbs on a blackberry.
So I shall attempt what hasn’t been attempted before (at least not here…).
I will catch up on 13 days of blogging-about-what-I-read-in-the-Bible. In one post.
For the record, 13 days is a lot.
(this is an attempt at procrastination…..)
In my reading of the Bible, in chronological order, on a 90 day plan, 10 days covered:
Exodus 36-1 Samuel 12.
That’s 136 pages.
or
161 chapters.
or
just kidding. I won’t name verses or words. that would just be over the top, right?
So here goes:
Exodus
I learned that I’m glad I don’t live in Levitical times. I am glad I’m not a Levitical priest. Can you imagine the NASTY? ( okay, sorry. but I just couldn’t fathom the smell, the mess, the smell, the mess….) I learned that Moses was faithful. Very faithful.
Leviticus
I learned that the Lord means it when He says “I am the Lord”. He says it 20 times in 2 chapters. I learned that God made provision for the poor and marginalized a long time ago, and He never took that away. (Need to look into social justice a little more….it’s on my “later list”.)
Numbers
The Lord comes in cloud a LOT in the Bible. He directed them through the wilderness in a cloud. I think of that every time I see clouds now. I learned that God gives everyone a gift and it’s up to us sometimes to look at people in our lives and ask them to use their gifts for His glory. I learned that Numbers 6:24-26 is beautiful. I said EXACTLY to Numbers 11:14. I said WHOA to Numbers 15:39. I saw Jesus in Numbers 24:17.
Psalm 90
verse 17 hit me.–Do I do His work with my hands?
Deuteronomy
Lots of good stuff in this book, but mostly, 8:17-18 made me stop and think hard, all day long…..I need to be aware of thinking that any success (or “failure”) had ANYTHING to do with me or my abilities. All of it belongs to God. In my journal, I wrote “Ummmm, HELLO?!?!?” next to Deut. 13:1-5. it’s a looooong story. Someday. In Chapter 14:22-26, I realized that this was such an interesting verse on tithing. Need to study this more. 15:10-11,THIS is how we should treat the poor, the marginalized, the orphan, the widow.
Psalm 91
I marked 91:9. —I need to constantly remind myself that HE is my refuge.
Joshua
He tells Joshua so so so many times in this book to NOT FEAR. NO FEAR. TRUST. NO FEAR. In 11:20, “It was the Lord’s doing to harden their hearts” I think that God is continually calling and pursuing us. When He leaves us alone, and stops, that is an intentional hardening of our hearts—giving us over to the true desire of THAT hardened heart, rather than the soft heart that is loved and created by God. In 21:44-45 and 23:14, I learned once again, He is always TRUE. And I wrote WOW next to 24:14.
(just sayin’ —this post, up to THIS point, has taken me almost 2 hours. seriously. my interruptions runneth over.)
Judges
1:28–interesting that we, as humans, tend to do to others what’s been done to us, instead of looking to God for the right way. Also, I think I wrote about this last time? 6:13-24 It’s a great question, and a godly story. And 7:15–recognizing the Hand and Work of the Lord, and worshiping immediately. 10:14—”Go to the gods you have chosen, let them save you”. Who are MY gods, whom and/or what do I look to to save me? 11:34-35–I have always looked at this story as a sad one, but honestly, this time, I saw what a godly, faithful servant of God he was! And 12:5-6 is the funniest verses in the Bible, according to my 14yo son. And is it just me or is God amazing, every time He makes a way out of no way? (15:19)
Ruth
I didn’t mark anything in Ruth. Maybe it’s because every single verse would have been marked. What a beautiful picture of redemption and love.
( I will finish 1 Samuel before I recap. )
So there you have it. 13 days of the Bible, all in one. Like Clif-Notes. Or something like that.
What are YOU Learning?
If you are reading on the regular schedule, here are days:
(Today’s reading for the Chronological Bible in 90 days is Exodus 36-Leviticus 10. If you are reading the “regular” schedule, a SOAP for today is linked to the bottom of this post…)
My word for this year, the one I need to learn, and embed into my soul, is TRUST. Trust Jesus, trust my husband, trust my discernment, trust my actions and my words, but most of all, back to trust Jesus.
(My friend Junelle wrote about the concept HERE. Love that Girl.)
It’s funny when you pick a word when the word gets picked for you by none other than the One who gives you life and breath, how often and how much and how big and how deep that word becomes and shows up and just IS. I don’t know that I’d ever have seen TRUST buried so deeply in the story of Moses and Aaron before…
In Leviticus 2:13, I was reminded of a passage of scripture in the New Testament —
(Colossians 4:6) Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.
The offering in the OT to God is the same as our words and actions in the NT. We must season all we do and say with the Glory and Grace of God–otherwise it’s tasteless and pointless.
In Leviticus 5:17, I was reminded of a passage of scripture in James—
(James 4:17) So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is a sin.
God’s Word comes full circle and is NEVER missing or void.
In Leviticus 6:13, I saw something I’d not seen before. I have a necklace and it says “Worship Always”….I know that everything I do , I show worship to something. And wearing that necklace reminds me to direct my worship toward the only One Who really matters.
Leviticus 6:13 says “Fire shall be kept burning on the altar continually; it shall not go out.”
We always have a fire of worship going in our hearts, all our worship and praise and sacrifice and EVERYTHING is being offered to someone or something. But God should be the only reciepient of our altar offerings.
And finally, the one that got me this morning was this:
In Leviticus 8, it was very detailed in the clothing that Aaron wore, the burdens he had to bear for the sins of the people, and the mess that all this sin made.
Detail after detail regarding his heavy clothing, the stones sewn into the clothing to represent the heaviness of sin, wearing a large hat to weigh down the head, pouring oil all down his head and beard, slaughtering bulls, rubbing the blood on his ears and toes, putting their insides in certain places on the altar, sprinkling blood on all the utensils and parts of the Tent, DAILY, every single day!, because of SIN.
I’m so glad Jesus came as my once-for-all sacrifice to take my sin.I’m so glad I’ve chosen to TRUST Him for this sacrifice.
What did you learn today?
I don’t have time. I’ve completely run out of time for today’s b90days post. I’m reading chronologically through the Bible so today’s reading was Exodus 25-35. It’s good stuff, that.
I just don’t have time to elaborate. School, school and more school is calling me.
(Here’s the link to the regular SOAP for B90Days.)
Enjoy!
WOW.
Who’d have thought that God would have SO MUCH TO SAY in Exodus and Leviticus! (certainly not me!)
I read the Bible 3 times last year, which means I read Exodus and Leviticus 3 times last year, and I’ve never heard from God like this week—I even went back to my journals and my blog posts to see if perhaps I’d forgotten something.
Nope.
Turns out, the Word IS alive, active, and just what I need for right now, right here in this season of life.
Here’s what I have written in my journal for today, day 9, where the reading was Exodus 13-24 (remember, I’m reading chronologically. For today’s SOAP on the regular schedule, see the bottom of this post…)
References with ** by them will be discussed. As it happens, I don’t have time this morning to discuss. I’ve marked this in my journal because I DO want to come back to some of these topics.
13:21-22 God NEVER departs (Trust, steadfastness)
14:13-14 No Fear, Stand Firm, See the Lord Work, The Lord does all the work–just be quiet, still and LISTEN
15:1-3,6-7,11-13 Glory Revealed Beautiful Song!
15:20-21 Praising with instruments (tambourines, lyres, drums) and dancing –very Biblical
16:29–further study on Sabbath
18:9-11, 14-24 wisdom of elders, outsiders, following good advice
20:7-11—study
Chapters 21-22— UNBELIEVEABLE how specific and almost petty the LORD has to be on some really, really common sense issues. (stealing, murder, employment, sexual relations…)
22:22-24 –caring for orphans…made me think of my friend Katie’s BLOG, and how they are working so hard at following God in their adoption journey
And then, at the end of all of this, I wrote:
God is precise.
God is awesome.
God is just.
Isn’t that remarkable? That in 10 chapters of an obscure, really, really old book of the Old Testament of the Bible, that He could teach me so much and open my heart that much wider to His truth?
It’s remarkable to me.
What did you learn today in God’s Word?
