Mommy guilt. There’s nothing like it. Try to explain mommy-guilt to a non-mommy, and they won’t get it. It’s just non-explainable.
And for you mommies saying you never experience mommy-guilt, you are foolin’ yourself. You do. Perhaps you’ve just learned to deal with it, or give into it, but you do experience it.
Last week, I had a whole bucket of mommy guilt raining from the sky. I can’t explain it other than to say it this way:
All of the sudden, one day, I’m driving in my van. You know, the van I drive my children all over creation in….and it hits me. Like a cold bucket of water.
Why am I driving this 10 year old van around? don’t i know that my kids would surely want to be seen in something cooler (and new-er)?
Why are we renting a small house in a crowded neighborhood? Don’t i know that they’d be so much happier in the country with room to run and something to call their own? wouldn’t it better if we could actually paint the princess’ room?
Why am I homeschooling my kids? don’t i know that i’m depriving them of a social life and of a “real education?”
Why am I allowing my kids to go through some of the financial hardship and suffering that we’ve gone through the past 12 months? don’t i know that i’m making life harder for them and causing them undue worry and stress?
Why do I allow my children to buy clothing and shoes and other “necessities” at thrift stores, discount stores and garage sales? Don’t i know that my kids need to be fashionistas and wear the lastest fashions in order to impress their ever-growing fan club?
Why am I even thinking for one second about adoption and foster care when my own children are so deprived? (we’ve been discussing adoption/foster care for several years…..God will make it happen in His timing…)
Well, this was the thought process that took place. One small foothold, and the devil can have his way with your mind. Take every thought captive to Jesus, and He will be THE TRUTH that sets you free.
And no! I don’t think my children are deprived. Not. One. Bit.
-I drive an old van. So what? it’s paid for, it runs and I love it. My husband has been blessed with mechanical skills and can fix just about anything. Why go into debt for the latest and greatest when the old and sure work just fine?
-We are renting because buying wouldn’t be wise right now. Financially and emotionally, we’re done buying houses for a bit. We’ve been there, done that, gotten really really taken advantage of, and we’re done. Plus, security in a job is my new #1 priority for house-buying. You don’t have the years to back it up? We’re not going there. The princess and I had a discussion about decorating her room, and it can be done without paint.
-I homeschool because I believe I’m the best, most qualified teacher for my children. Socialization isn’t always a positive word, and in my experience, my children are plenty socialized. Life provides that. School doesn’t.
-I allow our children in on some of our financial issues because I think it is something I missed out on and it is a great learning tool for them. Budgeting, saving, and spending are all habits. When habits are not taught inside the walls of our homes, they are learned out in the big bad world. And although I cannot blame my parents for the problems that have arisen over the years because of my poor management skills, what I can learn from that is that teaching them NOW is much easier than bailing them out later. (Or watching them suffer….which would have been a better solution for me than bail-out. Much like our government/stimulus situation. I digress…) If money causes them worry now, I can teach them another principle and that is to go to Jesus with our worries –every worry—and although He’s not a genie, He does promise to take away anxiety and replace it with His peace. So it’s teaching them to lean on Him, and not on their own wisdom.
-I let my kids wear USED clothing (as well as new things….) This has been very hard for my husband to deal with. He is (very) proud of his ability to provide and somehow sees thrift/second hand stores as an insult to his provider abilities. What it has taught my kids, though, is the value of a pair of jeans. Or a shirt. Or shoes. Or…….You get a new pair of jeans. Take care of them. Your next 5 pairs can’t all be new. And it’s also taught them to be generous when going through their own closets, deciding what fits and what doesn’t. They are always talking about giving this to the homeless shelter—maybe the kids there would want it! Another thing it has taught, especially my daughter, is the value of re-purposing clothes. Fabric is fabric. And if you like a dress, but it doesn’t fit anymore….is there a way to take it apart and use the fabric to make a skirt? Or a bag? We have 10 zillion bags in our house now, but the time spent with her and the value of that can’t be measured.
-Lastly, I want to raise more and more children up to The Lord. And if He allows that to me, it’ll be His doing, and He’ll get all the glory. and my kids aren’t deprived. They are just learning to be good stewards of money, time and possesions, learning to be content in whatever circumstance God has them in RIGHT NOW.
*****I forgot to put this in the actual post, but I was also thinking about a scripture that really brings home this point–Philippians 2:15, calling us out to be lights to the dark generation….and we can’t do that without depriving them of some of the worldly things, including non-stop attention to them…that’s what the world calls for–always be doing something! with your kids…(it’s so easy to make your kids your IDOL, your BIG THING, and not make God the BIG THING! isn’t it!!) another verse that I keep going over in my mind is 2 cor. 6:18—where He actually calls us OUT and asks us to be SEPERATE–it’s okay to deprive your kids–it’s God’s doing, not yours.*****
Thank You, Lord, for allowing me to teach this–and to learn it myself. Thank God for second chances….
And for finally teaching me how to rid my mind of mommy-guilt. Slowly, surely, He will bring victory to me! Praise God!
Great Post. I struggle with this to. I struggle with spending time with my kids especially my oldest. He wants me to be with him all the time. But I am starting to realize that it is good for him to entertain himself, play alone or with his siblings and to not always be the center of my attention. But it has been a slow process.
I know, I do that too. Feel guilty because I don’t spend enough/too much time —we go in circles, don’t we! I forgot to put this in the actual post, but I was also thinking about a scripture that really brings home this point–Philippians 2:15, calling us out to be lights to the dark generation….and we can’t do that without depriving them of some of the worldly things, including non-stop attention to them…that’s what the world calls for–always be doing something! with your kids…(it’s so easy to make your kids your IDOL, your BIG THING, and not make God the BIG THING! isn’t it!!) another verse that I keep going over in my mind is 2 cor. 6:18—where He actually calls us OUT and asks us to be SEPERATE–it’s okay to deprive your kids–it’s God’s doing, not yours. You are just being obedient. anyhow, thanks for reading and commenting!
I totally agree with you! This mommy brain is driving me crazy-someone had told me that when I became a stay at home mom over 5 years ago. And I had forgotten it. The last couple of months I have been thinking about this a lot and thinking that there was something in scripture that calls us to be seperate. There are times that I feel guilty even when I am doing my housework. Thank you, this comes at such a good time for me. I have been more devoted to wholesome things lately (memorizing scripture, sewing and crocheting, preparing healthy foods) and I do not need satan to make me feel guilty about it. My oldest child is the hardest because he is the most demanding. Great scripture.